home
bio and notes
table of contents

home

 

 

 

 

 

OH ME, OH MÃE

(click on image to enlarge)

002

OH ME, OH MÃE

What I Wore For My Four Night Hospital Stay After Giving Birth

#WeHadPackedTheBagJustInCaseACoupleOfWeeksPreviouslyEvenThoughWeWerePlanningForAHomeBirth #IThoughtAtLeastEverythingIMightNeedEvenForHomeWouldBeInTheSamePlace #IKeptSayingWeShouldRevisitThemButWeNeverGotRoundToItEspeciallyAsSomeThingsWeNeededForEverydayUse #SoWhenICalledTheHospitalToSayMyWatersHadBrokeTheySaidToBringBagsInJustInCase #WeSpentHalfAnHourRushingRoundButIDidNotTakeItTooSeriously #INearlyDidNotPackThisDressAsItWasWhatIWasWearingInBedWhenMyWatersBroke #ItWasALittleWetAndItDidNotSmellSoIPutItInMyBagThinkingIWouldBeComingHomeSoonForMyHomeBirth #WellObviouslyIDidNotComeHomeAndWasInHospitalFor4Nights #AndILivedInThisDress #ICouldHaveAskedTiagoToBringMoreThingsButByTheTimeIThoughtAboutItIKnewMyStayWasComingToAnEnd #OriginallyIWasInHospitalDueToProblemsWithBreastfeedingAndThenBabyBGotJaundice #TheDressShowsColostrumStainsAndThenMilkStainsAfterMyMilkCameInOnDay3 #ItWouldHaveBeenEvenMessierThanThisButOftenISatWithMyDressOffToDoSkinToSkin #SoManyWomenTouchedMyBoobsDuringMyStayToHelpMeTryToFeedSoIDidNotCareAnymore #PlusAround6PeopleWereAtTheBirthPlusTiago #ItWasWeirdToSuddenlyBeAroundSoManyPeopleAfterHavingNotSeenMyFamilyFor3MonthsDueToCovid #MyCurtainWasNeverFullyClosedAsThereWasALightSwitchJustBehindItThatTheHospitalStaffUsed #SoPotentiallyPeopleCouldSeeInButIReallyDidNotCare #AfterAFewDaysIThoughtIBetterWearSomethingElseButItWasTooHot #TheOtherWomenOnTheWardProbablyJudgedMeForWearingAStainCoveredDress #ButSoManyCameAndWentBeforeMe #IDidNotWearMyWatchBecauseOfBreastfeeding #ISometimesWoreANursingBraButInTheBeginningIDidNotAndThenIUsedBreastPadsOnceMyMilkCameIn #IHadMyEyeMaskOnMyHeadAllTheTimeAndEvenAfterIGotHome #TheJokeWasIWasNotSleepingThoughAndIStillAmNotReally #IBoughtItAsItWasOnARecommendedHospitalListButIAlsoThoughtItWouldBeGoodForHomeAsIFindItHardToSleep #ItWasProbablyTheMostUsefulThingInMyHospitalBagInTheEndAndIAmUsingItAtHome #AndThenIWasGladThatIWoreMySandalsAndNotTrainers #SoEasyToJustSlipO

006

OH ME, OH MÃE

I Have A Lot Of Respect For My Body And What It Did

#IDidThisShoot11DaysAfterGivingBirth #ThereIsALotOfPressureForWomenToHaveTheirBodiesReturnToTheirPrePregnancySizeAfterBirth #TheUterusDoesReduceInSizeButItIsNotLikeTheBabyWillBeBornAndYourPingsBack #ItIsWeirdNotHavingAFullOnBump #ICanSeeMyPubesAgainWhichIsFunny #AfterBirthTheUterusWasShrinkingAndTheMovementOfItMadeMeInstinctivelyAffectionatelyRubWhatUsedToBeMyBump #IHaveALotOfRespectForMyBodyAndWhatItDid #IAmStillBleedingAndApparentlyICouldBeUntilBIs6WeeksOldIfNotOlder #ThoughIWasWorriedItWouldBeLikePeriodPainButItisNot #AGoodPerkOfPregnancyAmongstOtherThingsWasNotHavingPeriodPain #IHaveToBeCarefulWithMyStitchesButTheySeemToBeHealingWell #MyBiggestRegretIsNotBuyingAPortableBidetSoonerAsItLetsMeCleanTheStitchesWithoutNeedingToHaveAShower #IBoughtSomeReusableBambooPadsSoIAlsoCleanOffTheBloodBeforePuttingOnANewOne #IWasGoingToSayItIsNiceToNotWakeUpInTheMiddleOfTheNightToBeAbleToTurnOverAndToGoToTheLoo #ButIHaveNotBeenSleepingMuchWhichAccordingToMumFriendsIsNotUncommon #IAmWritingThisAtNearly2AMAfterBabyWokeUsUpAndIDecidedToPump #IAmExpressingAndFeedingWithBottlesMoreThanIAmBreastfeeding #HopefullyThisWillChangeAtSomePointWhenHerMouthGetsBigger #IDoTryToBreastfeedHerALittleAtLeastOnceADayButYesterdayIFailed #IKeepFeelingReallyThirstySoIBoughtSomeRehydrationTablets #ItIsProbablyDueToBreastfeeding #TheyToldMeToDo10SetsOf10KegelsADay #DoingSomeNowWhilstIThinkAboutIt #IHaveASoreFingerFromWhereIBurnedItOnSteamFromTheSteriliser #AndThenIGotAPaperCutOnTheSameSpot #IHaveChangedSoMuchSinceGivingBirthThough #IDoFeelMoreConfidentButIThinkItIsCausedByNumerousFactors #IThinkHavingAChildChangesYourPriorities #FeelingDownAndRubbishAboutMyselfSeemsPointless #IThinkThisIsTheHappiestIHaveEverFeltInMyLife

007

OH ME, OH MÃE

Tired And Weepy In The Evenings (24th June 2020)

Feeling like a bad mother
 
Just never stopping 
 
Knowing that I feel worse with no sleep 
 
No sleep is my own fault
 
Now I have a headache 
 
And the picture does no justice to how shitty and tired I feel
 
I don’t even know where the time has gone or what I’ve been doing 
 
I just feel bad 
 
I hope sleep comes quick 
 
I feel like she deserves better 
 
I feel like a shit mother 
 
I need a hug from my husband 
 
But I’m in the bathroom writing this as I sweat, and I need a shower 
 
Tomorrow it’ll be better 
 
Tomorrow I’ll be better 
 
This afternoon I had her in a sling and I felt greater 
 
I breastfed her and my nipples didn’t hurt 
 
And I felt like a good mother 
 
So, I can and will be that good mother again tomorrow 
 
I need to be as Tiago’s paternity is over
 
But at least he will be in the other room 
 
I think I would be scared to be home alone 
 
Though that’s silly as I was earlier 
 
Everything will be okay 
 
Though what mother stands in the bathroom typing this instead of hurrying to spend time with her kid
 
I need to fix my priorities 

008

OH ME, OH MÃE

Breastfeeding, Bottle Feeding, Whatever Feeding (26th June 2020)

  #ItHasBeenOver2WeeksSinceIGaveBirthToBAt37WeeksAnd5Days #ILearnedHowToExpressAndBottleFeedInTheHospital #ThoughInHospitalIUsedAMachineThatINicknamedTheBeast #ItWasMassiveAndYouCouldExpressColostrumWithIt #AnywaysILikeExpressingAsItMakesMeFeelLessStressed #WithBreastfeedingSometimesItJustGoesOnAndOnAndMyNipplesGetSuperSore #ThoughIAmTryingToBreastfeedHerABitMoreAsSometimesIForgetThatIDoNotHaveToRunToTheFridge #OrWeCanStartThatWayWhilstTiagoRunsToTheFridge #OrICanBreastfeedUntilIGetFedUpOrWantToSleepThenTiagoCanContinueWithTheBottle #ThisMorningSheWokeUpAt6SoIDecidedToBreastfeedHerInTheOtherRoomToLetTiagoSleep #WeAlsoHaveAChangingStationSetUpInTheBedroomAndOneInTheLivingRoomToSaveHassle #AnywaysIHaveABreastPumpThatAFriendGaveMe #IWasNotSureIfIWouldExpressButAfterUsingOneInHospitalIWasGladToComeHomeToIt #IfIHadNotBeenInHospitalForSoLongThenIWouldNotHaveBeenConfidentWithBottlefeeding #WeHaveTeatsThatAreForBreastfeedingBabies #SoInsteadOfTheMilkJustGushingFromTheBottleTheyHaveToWorkForItLikeTheyDoFromTheBoob #IAmNotSureWhetherToSayBoobOrBreastButBoobSoundsMoreCasualAndILikeCasual #ThenOnTheOtherBoobIHaveASiliconeManualBreastPump #ItSuctionsOnAndOnceMilkStartsFlowingFromTheOneBoobItWillAlsoStartFromTheOther #IAlsoUseItWhenBreastfeedingAsItDoesTheSameJob #ItIsJustABitDifficultToPutItOnIfSheIsLyingAcrossMeSoIUsuallyRugbyBallHoldHer #BreastfeedingCanBeALotMessierIfIDoNotUseItAsOftenSheWillBeSoakedFromALeakyBoobEvenIfIHavePadsIn #ThePumpAttachesToClothesSoItIsGreatForAttachingToMyPantsAsItIsSoHotAtTheMoment #OfCourseTheBatteryRanOutForTheFirstTimeInTheMiddleOfTheShootSoIHadToPlugItIn #PeopleCallingToCheckOnUsAreALittleJudgementalAboutHowIWantToFeedHer #AfterMyHospitalExperienceICanSeeWhyPeopleGiveUpWithBreastfeedingOrNeverStart #IAmLuckyAsICameHomeConfidentWithBreastfeedingExpressingAndBottleFeedingButSomePeopleDoNotGetAllThatHelp #AndWithThePandemicThereIsLessFaceToFaceHelp #AlsoWhenYourMilkIsFlowingYouCanBleedSoIBoughtSomeReusablePadsWhichWillComeInHandyWhenIHaveToFaceMyPeriodAgain #AWeirdSideEffectOfBreastfeedingAndHavingABabyIsThatIAmMoreAmbidextrousNowAsMyLeftHandAndArmAreGettingStronger

009

OH ME, OH MÃE

First Family Portrait Session (28th June 2020)

#OurFirstFamilyPortraitSession #IHaveWantedToDoItForAFewDaysButYesterdayWeWereFinallyReady #AndTiagoWantedHisHairCutSoIWantedAPictureOfHimWithHairAndHisBeard #WritingThisADayLaterAsIDidNotHaveTimeYesterdayOrRatherIWasBusyWithOtherThings #IDidNotUseFlashAsIDidNotWantToScareOrHurtBThoughSheSleptThroughTheWholeThing #IPutMeAndTiagoInOurMatchingTopsToReferencePicturesFromMyPregnancyProject #ThoughLaterOnInTheDayWePutBInAStripeyOnesieAndIHadAStripeyDressOn #SoWeNeedToDoAStripeyPictureAtSomePoint #IBreastFedMoreYesterday #IFeltMoreRelaxed #HerLatchSeemedBetterThoughInTheNightItWasNotAndNowMyNipplesAreSoSore #AllSheDoesIsEatSleepAndGoToTheToiletWithPlaytimeIfAndWhenSheIsAlert #TheDaysSeemSoLongInAGoodWay #ThoughTheLastTwoNightsWeHaveGoneToBedTooLate #LastNightSheHadBadWindAndWasAwakeMostOfTheNight #WeNeedToStartHavingANapAt8PMAgain #WeHaveSomehowManagedToMisplaceOneOfOurFabricWrapsForCarryingHerIn #ItHasToBeInTheFlatButWhoKnowsWhereItIs #IKeepLosingMyPhoneToo #IDoNotWantToSayItIsBabyBrainAsIFindThatTermSoRude #IThinkItIsJustACaseOfConstantlyMovingAboutAndHavingToGoFetchThings #IStillUseMyPhoneButIFaffOnItALotLess #IReadTheNewsForAbout10MinutesYesterdayWhichIsMoreThanIHaveInAWhile #IDoNotWantToJustBeInABabyBubbleButItIsKindOfNice #IAmDefinitelyFeelingALotBetterAboutParentingNowThatIAmHavingNaps #NotSleepingForTwoWeeksReallyMessedMeUp #IWouldJustGetSoTiredAndThenHaveAMeltdown #ItIsGoodIHaveThisProjectNowAsICanNotBeBotheredToWriteInMyNormalDiaryInAsMuchDetailAboutLifeAnymore #IOrderedOneOfThose5YearDiariesWhereYouWriteAFewLinesEachDayThisMorning #ThatSeemsMoreManageable

010

OH ME, OH MÃE

My First Attempt At Barbering (28th June 2020)

#ItHasBeenOver3MonthsSinceLockdownStarted #TiagoHadNotHadAHaircutSinceWayBeforeThat #HeHadBeenAskingMeToCutHisHairBeforeBWasBorn #ButIWasNotVeryConfident #AndILikedHisHairLong #AsWellAsHimHavingABeard #IUnderstandHeNeedsItCutWithHisWorkAndHimWantingToLookSmartInMeetings #TheOtherDayIAskedOnInstagramAboutTipsForCuttingHair #IThenIBoughtClippersAndScissors #ToriSentADiagramAndAVideoForMeToFollow #ItWasGettingLateLastNightButItNeededToBeDone #IWasNotFeelingConfidentAtAll #SoIStartedOffShyAndAwkward #ThenBeforeIKnewItIWasGettingReallyIntoIt #IFoundItQuiteTherapeutic #IThinkHeWantedItABitLonger #ButIKeptAccidentallyCuttingBitsShorter #IWasDaydreamingAtSomePointAndNotReallyPayingAttentionToWhatIWasDoing #ItIsFunnyHowQuickIGoFromBeingScaredToNotReallyThinkingAboutIt #TheWorstBitWasTheFrontAsIDidNotWantToMessItUp #AfterwardsIClippedHisBeard #AndHeWentAndHadAShowerAndShaved #HeLooksLikeADifferentPerson #WeWereLaughingAboutHowHeLooks12WithHisGlassesOn #AndHeSaysHeLooksLikeMichaelGove #IThinkIWillBeCuttingHisHairInFuture #IAmAlsoTemptedToCutAllMineOffButIProbablyWillNot #IFeelLikeIHaveChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeks #AndMyOldHairCarriesOldBadEnergyThatIWantToGetRidOfButIAmTooScaredInCaseILookStupid #ICanThinkOfManyTimesInMyLifeWhereChangeHasBroughtAHaircut

011

OH ME, OH MÃE

I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020)

  #ISetUpABlogAndIAmNervousButTheWorstThingThatCanHappenIsNoOneReadsIt #MyMainReasonForSettingItUpWasToShareMyBirthStoryAndBreastfeedingExperience #AsAfterGettingHomeFromHospitalMyFirstThoughtWasToTrainAsABreastfeedingSpecialist #IFeelLikeIHadNotHeardHowHardItWasUntilIHadBAndHadProblems #ThenEveryoneWasTellingTiagoAboutHowItTook3DaysOrMoreToEstablishFeeding #IDidNotReallyLikeTheWholeBreastIsBestArmyBefore #AndNowAfterGoingThroughAJourneyWithItIDoNotLikeItEvenMore #ICanSeeWhyPeopleGetDiscouragedAndGiveUp #IWasInHospitalFor4NightsWithNoVisitorsAndHadNothingElseToDoThanPracticeAndLearn #ThoughItWasFrustratingSeeingFormulaFedBabiesAndTheirMumsLeavingQuick #ButThenBHadJaundiceSoThatPutASpannerInTheWorks #ThoughIWasGladThatItWasDiscoveredWhilstIWasAtHospital #IDoNotKnowIfIWouldHaveBeenConfidentEnoughToRealiseThatSheWasUnwellAtHome #IGuessIWouldHaveNoticed #SheNowHasASwollenEye #WeHaveHadToCleanHerEyesEveryDayAsGunkyEyesInNewbornsIsCommon #TheGPCalledMeBackYesterdayAboutHer8WeekAppointmentAndMyCheckup #ItShouldBe6WeeksButGuessingItIs8DueToCovid #TheySaidToOnlyBookTheAppointmentIfIHaveNoSymptomsOfCovid #TheAppointmentWillBeIn5WeeksTimeSoThatMakesNoSense #WellICanCallAndThenTalkAboutHerEyeAnyways #IAmWearingGlovesInThePictureAsIAmDoingSoMuchWashingUpThatMyHandsAreSoDryAndSore #InitiallyIHadHeatBlistersAndTheWashingWasMakingThemWorse #IHaveBeenBreastfeedingMoreTheLastCoupleOfDays #WhenHerLatchIsGoodItIsGreat #ThoughMyNipplesAreSoreRightNowSoIJustExpressedAndTiagoFedHerSomeMilkFromTheFridge #TheFeedingPlanChangesEveryday #TodayWeWillTryBottlefeedingHerDuringTheDaySoICanBreastfeedHerDuringTheNight #IMadeDanceVideosWithHerYesterdayAndForgotIHadStitches #IDidNotBotherChangingHowILookedForTheShootSoIHaveOnWhatIWoreToBedLastNightAndBedHair

012

OH ME, OH MÃE

With My Child In My Childhood Home (6th July 2020)

  #ItIsNowJulyAndIHadNotSeenMyParentsSinceFebruary #AndTheyHaveNowObviouslyMetBForTheFirstTime #MyYoungerSisterCameToStayWithMeAndTTheWeekendBeforeLockdownStarted #AndIHadNotSeenMyNanSinceMarch #IWasWorriedThatSheMightDieBeforeWeSawHerAgainAndNeverGetToMeetB #SheLooksReallyWellAndMaybeThatIsPartlyDownToHerEnthusiasmAtMeetingNewFamilyMembers #MeTAndBHaveBeenAtMyParentsHouseForAFewDaysNow #ThisIsTheLongestIHaveStayedHereInALongTime #WeUsuallyStayWithMyNanAndWithTBeingAbleToWorkFromHomeItIsOkayToStayABitLonger #YesterdayACoupleOfFriendsCameRoundAndLifeFeltSomewhatNormal #ThoughTheyHaveNotSatAtMyParentsHouseBefore #UsuallyWeMeetAtAPubOrSomething #APubOrAnywhereWithLotsOfStrangersIsTheLastPlaceIWantToBeRightNow #BJustStayedInMyLapSleepingTheWholeTime #ItIsEasyToForgetThatIAmAMotherSometimes #ThoughSheLetsMeKnowAtNightWhenIAmUpAndDownUntilSheFinallyStopsFeedingAndSleeps #SomeNightsSheJustWakesOnce #OtherNightsItIsOften #SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewDays #SheIsMoreAlertAndWatchesThingsLikeTheTreesBlowing #ItIsNiceToBeAtMyParentsHouseAndAroundNatureMore #IHaveNotBeenToAParkSinceMarchButTheirGardenIsKindOfLikeGoingToAPark #IHadNotWatchedATVSinceMarchAsWeJustHaveNetflixOnOurComputersAndIDidNotWatchTVInHospital #ITookAPictureOfMeAndBLyingOnTheLivingRoomCarpetAsToMeItIsNoticeablyMyParentsHouse #ITookSomeOfUsLyingOnABedButItCouldHaveBeenAnywhere #ThisCarpetSurvivedTheMoveFromBirminghamToTheHouseTheyLiveInNow20PlusYearsAgo #ThoughThinkingAboutItIThinkTheyReplacedItAYearAgoWithASimilarCarpet #INeedToAskAndCheck #ItTookMeOverAMonthToCheckAndGoodJobIDidAsThisIsHowFakeNewsStarts #ItWasInTheHouseWhenTheyMovedIn  

013

OH ME, OH MÃE

Milk Puddle On My Skirt (28th July 2020)

#IWasBreastfeedingBWhenIFeltLiquidRunningDownMyBelly
#ILookedDownAndSawALittlePuddleOfMilkOnMySkirt
#SheMustHaveSpatItOutOrLostItFromHerMouth
#IDoNotThinkThatMuchMilkCouldEscapeMyBoobThatQuick
#IWasHoldingBToMyLeftBoobAndHoldingHerWithMyRightHand
#IKnewIWantedToGetAPictureOfItBeforeItDisappeared
#SoIAwkwardlyTookThisPhotoWithMyPhoneUsingMyLeftHand
#TheFocusIsNotGreatButYouGetTheIdea
#AfterwardsIJustRubbedItIntoMySkirt
#ILikeHowBSmells
#ThenIRealisedThatMyBreastPadsSmellTheSame
#SoSheMustJustSmellLikeBreastMilk
#ThoughSourBreastMilkOnMyClothesDoesNotSmellAsNice
#SoIAmConfused
#IAmTryingToGetOutOfTheFlatToGoForAWalk
#TheWeatherLooksNiceAndSheHasJustFallenAsleep
#IAmTypingThisWithHerAsleepOnMyKnees
#IAmAwkwardlyTwistingMyBodyAsMyLaptopIsOnALittleTableToMyRight
#HerSkinIsSuperDryFromHavingSoManyMilkSpots
#HerScalpIsAlsoReallyDryAsIStoppedUsingHerMassageBrushBecauseOfSpotsOnHerScalp
#AtLeastSheWillBeWearingAHatWhenWeGoOut
#AndSheWillBeInTheBassinetOfHerPushchairSoPeopleWillNotSeeHerAndJudgeMe
#AtLeastWithThePandemicYouDoNotGetRandomPeopleComingClose
#ThoughActuallyIWouldWelcomeSomeChatAsIAmGoingOutAlone
#AndItIsTooWindyToTalkOnThePhone
#TimeIsTickingBySoIShouldGoOut
#IJustNeedToTryToPutOnHerCardiganAndHatWithoutHerWakingUpOrGettingUpset
#ThenHopefullySheWillLikeTheBassinetAgainToday

014

OH ME, OH MÃE

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)

  #IHaveBeenABitEmotionalThisMorning #IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes #WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer #IAmHappyHeFeelsThisWayAboutHer #IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch #ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges #IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally #SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident #WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall #ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing #IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB #IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month #ThePurposefulSmilesStartBetween6And12Weeks #IGuessWeKnowWhenSheIsContentWhichIsWhenSheIsNotCrying #ButINeedMoreOfAnIndicationThatIAmDoingAGoodJob #ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter #IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy #ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink #IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamily #PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral #IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt #WeStartedToGiveHerADummyAsSheWasAlwaysJustRestingWithTheBottleTeatOrANippleInHerMouthAndNotDrinking #INeverHadADummyAsABabyButISuckedMyThumbAndTwiddledMyHairALotInstead #IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention #AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe #IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention #ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis #TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer #ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual #IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork

015

OH ME, OH MÃE

Crying In My Nan’s Kitchen (16th July 2020)

    Just had a cry in the kitchen. I was sorting out lunch and I ate all my food in there too.   I’m visiting family and I don’t like being told that I’m doing things wrong or don’t know what is wrong with my own baby.    Okay I don’t know everything, but baby acne is a thing. And how I’m feeling goes beyond this one incident, it’s not the first time I’ve felt judged.    My life has completely changed, whereas Tiago has his job still. I have my art still, but with writing and pictures like this it makes me feel like I’m just making work about my own failures.   I produce her food so feeding is stressful for me – am I producing enough milk? – whereas Tiago does not have the same feelings around it.    I have started to breastfeed her more, which I guess is odd as by now people are perhaps doing the opposite – she is now 5 weeks old. Though tomorrow all her meals could just be delivered via bottle again. It depends on how me and my nipples are feeling.    I just want to sleep. I wake up feeling knackered, but then I feel so wide awake.   I’m writing this as B snuffles on my boob and I need to take more time to appreciate her, as she has already grown up so fast.    Maybe making a project isn’t the best use of my time, but I need it to still feel like me and hopefully saying this stuff out loud in its full awkwardness will help someone else.

016

OH ME, OH MÃE

It Feels So Good To Lie On My Front Again (Maybe Not On A Wooden Floor Though) (21st July 2020)

  #IAmWritingTheseHashtagsBeforeIDoTheShootAgain #BWillNotBeByHerselfMuchToday #SheFinallyWentForASleepInACarrierWhilstIWentForAWalkAndWentToThePhotoGalleryToSeeACoupleOfFriendsWhoWorkThere #TheyWereInTheirMasksAndTheGalleryStillWillNotOpenForACoupleOfMonths #SoIAmWritingThisWithMyStandUpDeskThingWhileSheIsAsleepInHerCarrier #IMightNotBeAbleToPutHerDownLongEnoughToDoAShoot #AndThisIsTheFirstDayThatTiagoHasGoneToSomethingWorkRelatedOutsideOfTheFlatSinceMarch #SoIMightHaveToWaitUntilLateTonightOrUntilTomorrow #IAmGuessingThisPhotoWillShowMeLyingOMyFront #INeverSleptOnMyFrontMuchThoughMaybeIDidButIDidNotHaveToThinkAboutIt #BeingPregnantYouThinkAboutHowYouAreLyingALot #LuckilyIWasMoreOfASideSleeperButItIsSaidThatLyingOnYourLeftIsTheBestWayToSleep #AsItHelpsWithBloodFlowAndStuff #IWantedToLieOnMyFrontAtTimesButObviouslyItWasImpossible #AndIWouldWakeUpOnMyBackALot #ProbablyBecauseOfMovingInMySleepAndTheWeightOfMyBumpTippingMeOver #OrBecauseIJustWantedToLieOnMyBack #WhenIWasInHospitalAfterGivingBirthITriedToLieOnMyFrontButItWasStillTooWeird #MyUterusWasShrinkingDownForAGoodWhile #IFirstLayOnMyFrontABitACoupleOrSoWeeksAgoWhenIDidAPostNatalExerciseVideoForTheFirstTime #DoingAPlankFeltWeirdButThenDoingChaturangaAndBabyCobraWasOdd #NowILikeToLieOnMyFrontABitInBed #ThoughIfMyBoobsAreFullOfMilkItIsAlsoPainful #IThinkMyStitchesMustHaveHealedByNowButILikeToBringMyKneeUpToo #WhichIsPerhapsABitMuchButINeedToStretchEverythingOutIGuess #IAmStillBleedingALittleLittleBit #ThoughIWasWorriedItWouldBePeriodLikePainFor6WeeksButIDoNotFeelAnything #IJustSearchedPeriodsAndBreastfeeding #ApparentlyTheBleedingIsCalledLochiaIndItIsAMixOfBloodMucusAndTissueFromTheLiningOfTheUterus #BreastfeedingAffectsYourPeriodSoWhoKnowsWhenIWillHaveAPeriodAgainButIAmNotLookingForwardToIt

017

OH ME, OH MÃE

Baby Fingernails, Stubbed Toe (24th July 2020)

  #IWasThinkingOfTakingAPhotoOfHerHandOnMyHand #ButThenIRememberedThatIStubbedMyToeBadlyOnTheSofaLegYesterday #SoIPutMyToeNextToHerHandInsteadObviously #MaybeYouCanSeeHowBadlyICutHerFingerNailsLastNight #NotBadForTheFirstAttemptReally #IHadBeenFilingThemButTheyWereStillQuiteLongAndSharp #AndSheHasReallyBadMilkSpotsAtTheMomentSoIDoNotWantHerScratching #AndIDoNotLikePuttingTheMittenPartOfHerOnesiesOverHerHandsAllTheTime #AsPerhapsSheJustWantsHerHandsToBeFree #SheLikesToSleepWithHerArmsOutWideOrAboveHerHead #ICalledTheDoctorsAboutHerSpotsAsTheyLookedReallyBadLastNight #ItIsTheSecondTimeIHaveHadToCallTheDoctorsForHer #TheFirstTimeWasBecauseHerEyeLookedSwollenAndIHaveToDoATearDuctMassage #BothTimesIHaveJustHadToSendPhotosAndIHopeAppointmentsLikeThisContinue #AsGoingToTheDoctorsForTheseThingsWouldBeSoStressfulAndTakeSoMuchTime #IHadAQuickShowerThenTheBuildingsFireAlarmStartedToGoOffAsIWasGettingDressed #TiagoIsOutAtWorkForTheSecondTimeSinceLockdown #BWasAsleepAndIGotStressedOutThinkingAboutWhatINeededToDoToGetHerReadyToGoOutside #NextTimeIWouldJustTakeHerAsSheIsAndGrabSomeStuffForInCaseWeWereOutsideForALongTime #IWaitedAFewMinutesThenHeardVoicesInTheCorridor #SomeNeighboursWereChattingAndACoupleWereGoingDownstairs #ISaidIHaveASmallBabyAndIWasHesitantToLeaveTheFlat #TheyProbablyThoughtIWasAnIdiotAsSurelyWithABabyThatIsMoreOfAReasonToLeave #TheySaidTheyCouldKnockOnMyDoorIfEverythingWasOkayButObviouslyTheyWouldNotIfItWasNotOkay #ISaidDoNotWorryIWillJustComeDownstairs #IWasLookingForwardToMeetingSomeOfMyNeighboursAsIDoNotKnowThem #IStartedToGetUsReadyAndThenItStopped #TheGuyKnockedToSayNotToBotherAndIShouldHaveAskedHimHisName #IHaveSeenHimOnceBeforeSoHopefullyIWillSeeHimAndIPresumeHisGirlfriendAgainSoon #ThenIThoughtIWouldDoThisShootWhilstBWasStillAsleepOnTheBed  

018

OH ME, OH MÃE

Milk Puddle On My Skirt (28th July 2020)

#IWasBreastfeedingBWhenIFeltLiquidRunningDownMyBelly #ILookedDownAndSawALittlePuddleOfMilkOnMySkirt #SheMustHaveSpatItOutOrLostItFromHerMouth #IDoNotThinkThatMuchMilkCouldEscapeMyBoobThatQuick #IWasHoldingBToMyLeftBoobAndHoldingHerWithMyRightHand #IKnewIWantedToGetAPictureOfItBeforeItDisappeared #SoIAwkwardlyTookThisPhotoWithMyPhoneUsingMyLeftHand #TheFocusIsNotGreatButYouGetTheIdea #AfterwardsIJustRubbedItIntoMySkirt #ILikeHowBSmells #ThenIRealisedThatMyBreastPadsSmellTheSame #SoSheMustJustSmellLikeBreastMilk #ThoughSourBreastMilkOnMyClothesDoesNotSmellAsNice #SoIAmConfused #IAmTryingToGetOutOfTheFlatToGoForAWalk #TheWeatherLooksNiceAndSheHasJustFallenAsleep #IAmTypingThisWithHerAsleepOnMyKnees #IAmAwkwardlyTwistingMyBodyAsMyLaptopIsOnALittleTableToMyRight #HerSkinIsSuperDryFromHavingSoManyMilkSpots #HerScalpIsAlsoReallyDryAsIStoppedUsingHerMassageBrushBecauseOfSpotsOnHerScalp #AtLeastSheWillBeWearingAHatWhenWeGoOut #AndSheWillBeInTheBassinetOfHerPushchairSoPeopleWillNotSeeHerAndJudgeMe #AtLeastWithThePandemicYouDoNotGetRandomPeopleComingClose #ThoughActuallyIWouldWelcomeSomeChatAsIAmGoingOutAlone #AndItIsTooWindyToTalkOnThePhone #TimeIsTickingBySoIShouldGoOut #IJustNeedToTryToPutOnHerCardiganAndHatWithoutHerWakingUpOrGettingUpset #ThenHopefullySheWillLikeTheBassinetAgainToday

019

OH ME, OH MÃE

I Used My Nipple Shields For The First Time Yesterday (31st July 2020)

#ILovePhotoShootsThatStartBefore6AM #IAmNotPuttingMuchPressureOnMyselfToTakePhotos #OnlyIfIFeelLikeIt #IFinishedFeedingBThisMorningAndMyNippleWasRaisedInTheNippleShield #ByTheTimeISetUpTheShootItHadDeflatedABitButICarriedOnAnyways #IHaveBeenBreastfeedingALotMoreLately #UntilRecentlyIHadBeenBottleFeedingExpressedMilkProbably95PercentOfTheTime #AndOftenTiagoWasBottlefeedingWhileIWasExpressingWhenTiagoCouldHaveBeenSleeping #SterilisingStuffIsSoMuchExtraFaffSoIAmGoingToTryToBreastfeedMore #IDidNotPlanToExpressThatMuchButBecauseIDidItInHospitalIThinkIWasConfidentWithItAndLikedIt #AnywaysMyNipplesWereGettingSoreAgainSoIUsedMyShieldsForTheFirstTimeYesterday #ItStillHurtALittleSoISwitchedToBottleFeedingForTheDay #ThenIMadeMyselfBreastfeedWithTheShieldsAgainTodayBeforeIGotStuckInABottleFeedingRoutineAgain #ThoughIfIDoBreastfeedIDoExpressABitSoTiagoCanFeedHerInTheEveningThenICanFeedHerThroughTheNight #LastNightTiagoDidA2AMFeedWhilstIExpressedToGiveMyNipplesOneMoreBreak #WhilstIBreastfedIAppliedCreamToBsNeckAndFace #SheHasReallyBadMilkSpotsThenOnHerNeckItWasJustAllRedTwoDaysAgo #WeUsedToPutABibOnHerWhenWeBottleFedHerThenForSomeReasonWeStoppedDoingIt #SheCanGetQuiteMessyWhilstBeingBreastfedToo #IThinkWeHadGotBadAtRemovingMilkFromHerNeckAndSoItWentReallyBad #WhenICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutTheSpotsTheySaidToUseSomeCreamForDrySkin #SheHasHerNeckScrunchedAllTheTimeSoWhileFeedingHerIsTheBestTimeToApplyIt #IHaveFeltLikeSuchAShitMotherBecauseOfHerSkin #TheDayBeforeYesterdayIWasSoTiredAndSoUpset #SheDidNotAppearInDanceVideosWithMeBecauseWeWereWorriedAboutHerBeingInTheCarrierWithHerSkin #BeingScrunchedUpOrGettingTooHotOrHerSkinRubbingEtc #YesterdaySomeoneAskedForDirectionsAndPeeredIntoTheBassinet #IFeltTheNeedToSaySomethingAboutHerSkinBeforeTheyCouldComment #NowWeAlwaysUseABibOrJustWipeAwayMilkQuickAndWheneverTheSkinFeelsDryWeApplyCream #ItIsDefinitelyGettingBetterButItWillNotBeFixedOverNight

020

OH ME, OH MÃE

Crying Again – I’m So Dumb (31st July 2020)

  #SoManyThingsIWantToSay #YetSoManyThingsIDoNotWantToSay #IEmailedPicturesToMyselfWithTheEmailSubjectsBeingTooSelfishToBeAMotherAndImSoDumb #SoDumbBecauseIDoNotHaveToWorkForNowAndYetIAmSoStressedOut #AndIDecidedToMakeABlogWhichIJustWantToQuit #ButIHaveInvestedTimeAndMoneyInItAlreadyAndDoNotWantToQuit #SelfishBecauseIWantToWorkOnMyStuff #SureItIsAboutMotherhoodNowButIDoNotKnow #INeedToOrganiseMyTimeBetter #ThisMorningIHadACoupleOfNapsButISwearIJustGoToSleepAndBStartsCrying #ThisHappensInTheNightThough #SheGoesToSleepThenSheIsCryingAgainAMinuteLaterThoughReallyItIsAWhile #ICalledTheDoctorsAgainThisAfternoonAsIWasGettingWorriedAboutHerSpotsAndRash #TheySaidToTryADifferentCreamAndAnotherOneWhichSheWouldGiveUsAPrescriptionFor #TiagoWentToGetItAndThenBJustStartedToCry #IChangedHerNappyAndBottleFedHerExpressedMilkAsDoNotLikeBreastfeedingHerAtTheMomentBecauseIDoNotWantToTouchHerNeckAndRashMuch #IThoughtTheMilkWouldBeEnoughAndThenICouldPump #ButItWasNotEnoughAndSheWasJustCrying #IShouldHaveExpressedWhileIBottleFedHer #TheFirstWeekWhenWeWereHomeBHadBeenFedSoTiagoWentFoodShopping #ILayMyHeadDownFor10SecondsThenSheStartedToCryAndDidNotStopUntilHeGotHome #SeeingHerSkinJustMakesMeFeelSoGuilty #IfICouldGoBackInTimeIWouldMakeSureSheAlwaysHadABibOnOrMilkWasCleanedFromHerNeck #IFeelLikeSuchABadMumAndMaybeIAm #TheOtherWeekISaidToAGroupThatNowIHaveHadABabyICanFinallyPutMyselfFirst #WhichMakesNoSenseAsBComesFirst #INeedToChange #DoingMyArtKeepsMeSaneSoMaybeIJustNeedToBeMoreOrganised #IShouldNotBeWastingWaterOnTears #IKeepGettingDehydratedAndCryingDoesNotHelpMyMilkProduction  

left-arrow-wht